The Pee Dream - December 29th, 2016

I start off in English GCSE, Ms Salter's class, circa 2008/2009. I get the feeling there was part of a dream prior to this scene, but I don't remember it, I only have a hunch. The class is relatively straightforward, except we talk about maths at one point, which doesn't make any sense.

There's suddenly an alarm bell: it's not a normal fire alarm, it's more like an electronic wailing, a similar noise to WW2 sirens. Ms Salter demands we all get up and run for our lives, and to take a buddy with us, in case we get lost. As I'm running down the B-block corridor, I spot Veronique (who is now 6 years old for some reason instead of 13 like the rest of us). She's wearing a dorky, white pom-pom hat and a baby pink poncho over her school uniform. I grab her hand (which is covered in a white, glittery mitten) and start running.

The crowd begins to become one being and we're swept away from high school until we found ourselves in some kind of underground London train station. There were two columns of dark, grey, steel staircases leading up above ground to the city. I stood there watching people scream and push, wondering what could be causing such a commotion. As I ascended one of the sets of stairs, I felt Vez slip through my hand. I started yelling out for her, telling her to find her sister, and find a safe place to hide. I wasn't sure if I'd ever make it back down there to come get her but I wanted her to be safe.

As I got to the surface, I realised I was on a bridge in London. It wasn't one I recognised but there were thousands of people there, all looking up at the sky. I made my way through the crowd until I was at the railing's edge and then noticed my dad was standing on my left.

 "Oh my god, hi!" I said.

"Hey, chunks. Are you okay? How's school?"

"Well everything's a bit hectic, considering everyone is running for their lives. What's going on?"

"It’s the parachutes."

Apparently, a parachute demonstration had gone wrong during the day, and two gigantic chutes were heading towards London, and it was estimated that the impact would kill 90% of the population. According to my dad, everyone was on the bridge because they were evacuating, and you could see the parachutes from there. I looked up to see one coming straight towards us, with another close behind in the distance. The parachutes themselves looked more like those kind of kites made up of multiple cubes, you know, box kites, except instead of just two squares stacked on top of each other, they were 3 x 3 multicolour squares.

The first parachute smacked into the side of the bridge and broke it in half, taking hundreds of people to their deaths. My dad and I didn't react at first: we just stood there staring in awe. Then we noticed the other one was coming towards us. The second kite was a lot smaller and I decided I could take it on. My dad told me not to but I was determined to save the other half of the bridge. I jumped up onto the bonnet of a blue Mk2 ford Escort and caught the kite mid-air: it sent me flying backwards off the car, but as I rolled to a stop on the floor, I had the kite in my hands.

Everyone was cheering and helping me up, and then I started walking with three figures who also had similar kites in their hands, which I'm assuming they caught before the other two. As I sped up to greet them, I realised the leader was James Corden. He explained that there was a large, industrial rubbish bin at the end of the bridge and that they were on their way to throw out the kites. The others all seemed very serious but I was having fun: I opened the kite every now and again to drag me in short, fast bursts along the bridge. I tried to get Corden to cheer up, but that's when we came across the end of the bridge, and it was a dead end. There was just a forest, blocked by a barricade of giant nettles and thorny tree branches. There were no bins, just foliage.

 "Well that's just fucking typical, isn't it?" James shouted. He threw the kite down and stormed off.

One of the others approached me: I recognised him as Alex, a kid from my English GCSE class. He asked me to walk with him because he knew another way, so I did. He walked ahead with Colossus from X-Men and I walked behind with Poppy (another kid from my class). Poppy and I were just generally chatting on the walk: I told her about my life since high school and she did the same. She asked me what I was holding in my other hand, and I looked down to see I was clutching my small baggie of septum jewelry in my free hand. I didn't say anything because I couldn't explain how it'd gotten there.

Up ahead, Alex said we should fire Ms Salter. I ask why: I think she's genuinely nice and has never done me any wrong. Alex retorts that she isn't a good teacher and she's always picking on him. I reply that I'm indifferent: she helped my pass my first exam and I appreciated her help. I wasn't about to go backstabbing her. Poppy agreed with me, saying she was off sick for the first few months of our classes, and that Salter helped her pass as well. Alex looks annoyed and walks up some cobbled stairs we've come across, and as Poppy goes ahead of me, I notice a stripe going down her back. To begin with, I thought it was a deep, blackened scar down her spine: I then realised it was the zipper of her dress. Thing is, a moment ago, she was wearing jeans and a hoodie: it's at this point I realise I'm dreaming and things aren't making any sense.

We continue to walk through a building that looks very much like a cross between Ipswich Hospital and Suffolk One college: the walls are beige and everything smells of disinfectant. The corridors never seem to end, and after what feels like an hour, I complain that we're probably going in circles. Alex reassures me that we're going the right way and Poppy and I share a concerned glance at each other.

As we walk around a corner with a blue sign on it (reading 'disabled people are a liability'), we come across a corridor with one side that is completely windows. I look out to see we're somewhere in the forest we came across earlier on the bridge: Alex is right, he somehow found a way. Poppy cajoles me to catch up, but as I start walking again, I feel myself peeing. I look down in horror but I can't see anything: I can just feel the sensation of wetting myself. The worst part is that you could hear it: there was a loud urinating sound ringing through the corridor. For some reason, it was the loudest to me: it was like someone was blaring it through a speaker. To the others, they could barely hear it: for Colossus and Poppy, it was like music is playing through your headphones in your bag and you can just about comprehend that something is playing. Alex didn't hear it at all: he was too focused on finding a way through the building.

 "Hey, does anyone hear that?" Poppy said. I turned bright red and started stumbling over my words.

"Must be the waterpipes…old building…bad plumbing…definitely that and nothing else!"

I notice a blue exit door, and as soon as the others pass it, I drop my bin bag and run through. I'm now in a white corridor that goes round in a square: on the first side, there's a classroom with people in it. As I approach and open the door (B112), I realise it's a computer lab of some sorts and people are doing ICT/computer-science in there. Amongst the students, there were no teachers, but I realised my old high school friend Connor was there as well as some other girls and Daniel sitting at the back.
Crossing my legs, I ask where the ladies room is. One girl tells me it's on the first floor, next to something called 'the Tumblr lounge' and the disabled toilets: she also informs me there is a lift around the corner and that I should take it to get there. Then Connor starts sneering at me, calling me names. I don't say anything, I just watch him, fascinated by his sudden hatred for me. Then Daniel stands, walks over to him, and punches him so hard in the face that his two front teeth fall out. He looks at me, puts his thumbs up and then resumes his computer work at the back of the room. I leave without saying a word.

The second side of the corridor is just what I presume to be a teacher's coat room or something, but the third side is a bunch of yellow lockers, and the fourth side is a changing room: there are muscular men in yellow towels drying off their hair and sweating profusely, as if they've just been in a sauna. I notice that by one of the benches is not only my bin bag but actress Joan Cusack rummaging through it. I sneak up behind her and delicately pull a pair of  boxers out of the bag without her noticing: they are sky-blue with white cats in red collars on them. As soon as I get hold of them, I run to the lockers (which have now turned into toilet cubicles) to change my pants.

When I get in the cubicle, I go to pee, but I can't. It's like I drained my bladder. However, when I go to change my pants, the original pair are bone-dry and there's no indication that I've wet myself. I sit there and reminisce about an episode of Stranger Things, where Dustin's character was constipated and was comforted by his friend Mike and that Iron Giant guy played by Vin Diesel.

I realise that's not a real episode and that the cubicle and the men and everything probably wasn't real. I wonder if I just need to pee in real life and that's why I'm dreaming about it. Then I woke up.