[FOREWORD - I don't think Shane Dawson is a predator, that's just what happened in my dream!]
This
isn't where the dream starts off but the earliest point I remember is packing a
bag in a small blue room with Lili. I was throwing my keys and phone and books
into my black backpack because we were going to the hospital to visit someone.
I didn't know who it was: I only knew that they were important.
It cuts
to me walking down Sproughton Road in Ipswich at night (probably around 9pm)
with Shannon and Thelma (friends from high school). As we pass the roundabout at
the bottom of the road, a minivan full of young people who are counting down
(but not 3, 2, 1 it was 4, 3, 9: also I think they were yelling the numbers
backwards, as in 9, 3, 4 in German, but I'm not entirely sure) to jump out last
minute into a Morrisons car park. Thelma asks if we should help them because
they might injure themselves. Shannon scoffs and points to the crowd where most
of them have already jumped out and dusted themselves off. She tells us they're
probably fine and that Thelma is making us late.
I start
complaining that the hospital is so far away and that we'll get there a lot
quicker if we take a bus from the co-op (which apparently is only five minutes
from where we are). As I say that, a 66 bus full of people partying and
laughing speeds around the corner and drives off. I shout "damn it"
loudly and Shannon laughs. She then suggests we take the shortcut through
Sproughton.
We walk
for a while and at this point in the dream, I'm not even paying attention to
where we are anymore. I don't care because I know we're just walking and that's
boring. It's not until I look down and realise I'm opening someone's
conservatory door that I notice I've broken into someone's house. I panic,
walking faster and I go past a kitchen with people in it. I don't look at them
in fear they'll attack me or something, but the weird thing is that I hear them
nonchalantly go "oh there's Kirsten", so they knew I was there and
didn't mind.
I go
through to the patio and there's a woman sitting at the table with Paige (another friend from high school) and Lili. This woman also had three kids there: a boy and a
girl (probably around 13) and another girl (around 5). She exclaims happily
when I walk over that they've been waiting for me for ages. I force a smile but
I still have no idea who these people are or why Paige and Lili are there.
I look
around and spot three black cats sitting on one of the tables. I walk over to
stroke them and realise one is Midget. Completely taken aback, I pick her up
and cuddle her, making silly baby noises. I carry her over to the table and ask
why she's here. The woman explains that they've been babysitting all the cats
since my parents went on holiday. I put Midget down and pick up Oscar, who's
gotten considerably fatter. I ask where my parents are now but the woman
shrugs. As I finish my sentence, a large man bursts through the door with other
assumed family members. He's loud and jolly and American. He wore a white shirt
with a mustard stain on the right-hand side, denim jeans and a baseball cap
that had the American flag on it. I tried not to laugh when he walked over to
me but, in the end, I came to like him.
He
stroked Oscar's head and told me out of all of them, he was his favourite to
look after. Apparently he was so laid back and sat with him while he watched
football. I put Oscar down, content that my cats have been looked after. I walk
back over to the table where everyone is sitting and one of the new family
members, an older son (probably 19) stands up to open a side-gate: Lunar wanted
to go outside. I stared at the mum: for some reason, although I'd never been
here, I knew the side-gate led out onto the road and I didn't want Lunar to run
out and get hit by a car. The woman laughs at my expression and says Lunar will
come back in: sure enough, she runs out for about 30 seconds and then runs back
in because it's raining. I breathe a sigh of relief and then, to my horror, I
hear Jayne's bellowing voice yelling "hellooo". I turn around to see
my parents come through the side-gate, my dad looking quite tan and Jayne
dressed in her usual black, summer clothes.
The
couple welcome my parents, the American shaking my dad's hand and joking with
them. I realise they all must know each other, although I've never met this
couple before, so I assume they're new friends that I haven't met. After all,
they must be friends: Jayne wouldn't let just anyone take care of our cats.
The
American guy invites us all to go into the kitchen and grab a quick snack
before we all leave. I go in with Lili and Paige (who weirdly have both not
spoken a word to me the entire time) into the kitchen only to find it's like a
large pantry of food: all the shelves are covered in various sweets and drinks.
The gap to get in was so small and I felt how fat I was by barely brushing
through it. There were twinkies, blue liquorice wheels, Bueno hippos, plain
muffins, sour fizzy bottles, cookies, wafers with chocolate spread in between
and so much more. I kept picking up different items and putting them down,
being unable to pick just one. After a while I settled on a twinkie, seeing as
we don't get them much over here in England, and walked over to the 13-year old
daughter. She stood in front of a crate of Sprite, looking confused. I asked
her what's wrong and she pointed to a white, supermarket label in the midst of
all the bottles: it read 12-25 iGreen Iced Tea. I didn't know what that meant
until I realised some of the bottles weren't Sprite: they were packs of green
glassed bottles (similar to Carlsberg) of six that were labelled 'Green Iced
Tea'.
I asked
the daughter what the problem was: she explained that she didn't know what the
'12-25' meant or the 'I' in front of 'Green'. I nodded in agreement: I assumed
the '12-25' stood for units and that the 'I' was a stylistic choice. She picked
up a pack, shrugged and walked away. As she did, she bumped into the 13-year
old boy and had some kind of argument with him I couldn't hear, but I got a
weird incestuous vibe from it and decided to ignore it.
After a
while, everyone had their snacks, so I walked over to the owners of the home
and my parents to say goodbye. The woman was sad and asked why I couldn't stay
a little longer, so I explained that I had to get to the hospital to visit
someone. When she asked who, I became embarrassed because I still couldn't
remember who it was I had to visit: in the end, I lied and said Hugh Jackman
and, for some reason, they all believed that.
Jayne
suddenly jumped on the bandwagon, offering to help and give us a lift or
something. I turned round to Paige and Lili who were now Thelma and Shannon
again. I couldn't understand why they'd changed faces but I didn't question it.
I turned back and said we were fine and that we could make our own way. Jayne
then insisted and I couldn't be bothered to argue with her, so I agreed.
I then
got annoyed because she kept chatting to the family members and asking which
pub she should drive my dad to. He then commented that he had to shower and
shave first and Jayne was nodding, as if she'd forgotten completely that she
was supposed to be giving me a lift. I got angry and shouted at her, telling
her not to offer help if she's not going to follow through with it. She simply
said "well I offered to be polite, I didn't think you'd actually take me
up on it". Frustrated, I threw my twinkie to the floor and stomped off.
In the
hallway next to the kitchen, I notice a trap door is open, so I follow it
underground. Underneath the house is what appears to be a wine cellar of some
kind with giant barrels of mead and smaller barrels of merlot. I look around
and spot Shane Dawson dressed as Lady Gaga in the 'Applause' music video taking
off the jeans of the unconscious 13-year old daughter. I start yelling at him
to stop and he looks around and laughs.
"It's
not what you think! Turns out the 12-25 on the packaging means how old they
have to be to drink it. I like them young."
I run over and kick him square
in the face: he falls back onto his back and poofs into thin air. I kneel down,
putting the girl's jeans back on, mumbling "that doesn't explain what the
'I' is for" under my breath. I see the bottles next to her and realise she
hadn't even opened one yet because it had a metal cap on top, one you'd need a
bottle opener for. I sighed and picked her up to take her upstairs, still
unsure of what I'd just seen.
As I go
upstairs, I find myself in a hospital waiting room. I look around to see Thelma
and Shannon sitting in chairs, reading magazines. My black backpack is next to
Thelma. I realise at that moment that the 13-year old flung over my shoulder
has vanished. I asked where she was and Shannon gives me a weird look,
explaining that she's been in her hospital bed the whole time, and that's why
we were here with her books and stuff. Thelma quips in with "she's the
person we were visiting in the first place, remember?"
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